I have a tendency to start projects and abandon them. I recently discovered an article I started. I don’t remember whom it was intended for, probably Thought Catalog or Cracked, since most of what I write is for one of those. But I reread it and chuckled so I thought you might enjoy it too.
I was single for almost 10 years, mostly by choice. When you’re a long-term single person, you’re going to interact with these things called couples. They’re all over and virtually unavoidable. Here are some examples of types of couples you can expect to encounter on your solo journey:
- The hydra: This two-headed beast, named for the mythological creature, is actually two people, although you’d be forgiven for forgetting that. They do everything as a joined pair. You can’t make plans with either one individually. Attempts to do so will either be treated as an invitation for them both or outright rejected. When the guys meet up to watch the game or play poker and only one brings his girlfriend, that couple is usually a hydra. It’s a dead giveaway when the girl insists on coming yet acts restless and bored the entire time. These two will refer to themselves together even when talking about things done alone. In most cases they will completely reject the individual identity, completely submersing themselves in the couple dynamic, to a nearly pathological degree. You can spot these people on social media instantly because they’re the ones who have joint Facebook accounts, even though Facebook isn’t set up that way. They’ll have a username such as Him N Her Lastname. If you’re friends with a couple like this, be wary. If they break up it will be catastrophic, and the shock waves will be felt far and wide among your social circle.
- The “perfect” couple: You can describe them in one word: smug. They’ve mastered the art of relationships and they want you to know it. They are immune to any kind of relationship problems. They smile benevolently when they hear about anyone else’s problems because they are above such things. These people are also easy to find on Facebook because they tag each other in every single post, regardless of whether the post has anything to do with their partner. One on one they’re usually bearable, but spending time with both of them together frequently borders on the masochistic. Their air of superiority may be masking deep-seated issues behind closed doors.
- The platonic couple: These two have typically been together for years. They may or may not be married, but they all have one thing in common: they do not behave as a couple in any discernible way. You will not see them kiss, hug, hold hands, or make any physical contact whatsoever. It’s easy to imagine them living together but never spending any time in the same room. You may befriend one of them and never even meet the other. If it wasn’t for the fact that they only have one bed you might mistake them for roommates.
- The sparring partners: All they do is fight. They may or may not balance it out by being very passionate at other times, but they’ll inevitably be known as that couple who always fights. They may go through break up and make up cycles. Like the hyrda, they may have a deep dependence upon one another which may fuel their behavior. Oftentimes they feel compelled to spend more time together than they would prefer, which leads to irritability. At its core, this type of couple is usually incompatible on a basic level, but their degree of immersion in each other’s lives makes breaking up for good highly problematic.
- The unequal partners: Simply put, one of them has all the power in the relationship. That person calls the shots. The other goes along with it, and may do so grudgingly. If you’re friends with someone who is the weaker link in such a relationship, don’t count on seeing that person much, if ever. If, however, you’re friends with the dominant half, you might forget that they are even in a relationship as it is likely to come up very rarely. Sometimes this is by design; the weaker partner may want someone to make decisions for them. Or they may have allowed themselves to be kowtowed into submission. You may know someone like this. They might even prefer this dynamic for reasons of their own.
- The normies: they have no major discernible flaws but most of the expected minor ones. They disagree at times but for the most part are able to work through it. They are not insufferable and readily admit that they experience occasional rough patches.
If you’re really lucky, none of the above will drag you into their drama. Sometimes a sparring partner or one of the unequals will try to enlist an ally. This is to be avoided at all costs. If necessary you can try running out of the room screaming that there’s a bee following you. Most of the time this works.
If you’re forced to be around a couple and they fall into one of these classifications, good luck. You’re going to need it.
