Want to get robbed? That’s a fantastic way to add a little excitement to your day. You get home, or wake up in the morning, your windows are busted, your stuff’s been ransacked, and all your cool expensive crap is gone! Want to know how to rob? Listen to 50 Cent! Want to know how to get robbed? I’m here to help!
- Post all about your vacation on social media. Make sure to include the dates you’ll be gone, and if you’re at some exotic location that’s especially expensive, include that too!
- If you or a neighbor has been robbed before, definitely don’t bolster your security and do make sure you replace all your stuff with updated, pricier models. Robbers definitely won’t come back, and they they certainly won’t hit the same place twice. So relax! There’s no cause for alarm!
- If there’s a death in the family, leave your home unattended during the funeral. Criminals definitely won’t check the obituaries to find a time when no one will be home.
- If you happen to have a burglar alarm, which we don’t recommend, but if you’ve got one, do not, I repeat, do not place a sign to that effect on your front lawn. And definitely do not get a pet dog. Dogs, especially vigilant, loud guard dogs, will not in any way deter someone determined to break and enter your house.
- Never, ever, leave your work boots on the stoop next to your front door. Anecdotal evidence suggests that would-be burglars universally ignore footwear stored on porches and they do not interpret this as a surefire sign that the house is occupied.
- Do not prominently display the U.S. Flag. One self-described criminal in a recent interview claimed that he avoided houses flying the flag out of fear that the occupants were armed. So put the flag away and make a burglar’s day!
- Do not buy a house near that of a police officer. The assumption is that a cop’s neighborhood will be safer simply through the visibility of a police vehicle, and we don’t want safe, now do we?
- Keep any outside lights at your home turned off. Well lit homes are like kryptonite to a burglar so keep those floodlights off. Plus side, this will save you money, and you’ll need it when your place gets hit!
- Live at street level. Burglars hate climbing stairs. You don’t want them too winded to carry out your flatscreen, do you?
- And finally, and this is very timely right now after the holidays… make sure you throw out the boxes from your high-end electronics with the logos visible. It’s a great way to telegraph that you’ve got expensive stuff! Any burglars casing your neighborhood will appreciate it!
In closing, if you follow these simple steps to the letter you’ll be robbed in no time, which will give you a fantastic anecdote to tell at any holiday parties you’re unable to avoid getting stuck attending next year!
