I get questions, some of them often, so I’ve decided to compile them here for easy, convenient access.
Q: What’s with the dinging sound I keep hearing? Does it mean anything?
A: Yes, it means a lot to me.
Q: Why do you say Five Fingie?
A: What would you prefer I say?
Q: Why do you play those sound clips before Bush and Five Fingie songs?
A: It amuses me.
Q: But it’s annoying.
A: That isn’t a question.
Q: Do you really love Budweiser and pizza rolls?
A: Yes and I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t.
Q: Do you deliberately try to be obnoxious?
A: Yes, and I’m glad you appreciate all the work I put into it.
Q: Where do those rants you do in the rundown come from?
A: I wrote them.
Q: Do you do them from memory?
A: Certainly not. Each one of those things is a full page and I still can’t remember them all.
Q: Don’t you think sound effects on the radio are cheesy?
A: Maybe, just maybe, I do it for the kitch factor.
Q: Do you do it for the kitch factor?
A: No, I just think it’s funny.
Q: Why do people complain about Five Fingie?
A: My guess would be that they’ve got no sense of humor. I mean, if I think it’s funny, it must be funny.
Q: Are you egotistical or just clueless?
A: I’d like to think I fall right in the middle of that spectrum.
Q: Are you a lefty?
A: I’m mixed-dominant. I write with my left hand, and do other things that require fine dexterity, such as hold a fork and razor. Pretty much everything else I do right-handed.
Q: Why do you drink so much Mountain Dew?
A: I don’t really like coffee. So that’s how I get caffeine. And I don’t just drink Mountain Dew. Actually I don’t drink Mountain Dew at all. Mostly I drink Diet Mountain Dew, sometimes Mountain Dew Zero Sugar, sometimes Coke Zero, sometimes Dr. Pepper Zero Sugar, sometimes Pepsi Zero sugar. So it’s not just Dew. My second favorite behind Diet Dew is Coke Zero Sugar Vanilla, but that stuff is fiendishly difficult to find. I’ve been looking for a consistent supplier, but no such luck. Sometimes I get lucky and I find it at Walmart. I love vanilla, which Nitty Gritty thinks is funny because I have a vanilla personality. I want to argue this but I can’t because it’s fundamentally true.
Q: What do you mean by vanilla personality?
A: I’m boring. I drive the speed limit. I put my shopping carts back. When you hear me on the air, that’s about as wild and crazy as I get.
