You’re a young, hip, happening human who is one hundred percent clued into the global zeitgeist, aren’t you? That’s a rhetorical question. Of course you are. As such you don’t want to be caught slinging slang that’s past its expiration date, do you? That’s another rhetorical question. Of course you don’t.
Most trends go from being in to out to back in to back out to retro. Once they become retro they’re pretty much permanently in. Examples include plain white t-shirts, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Donkey Kong, Daryl Hall, Robert Downey, Jr., and of course aviator shades.
But slang is a whole different animal, at least in the United States. In the UK apparently anything goes. What they do is just arbitrarily refer to something by any indiscriminate word. They say it’s a rhyming thing, but that’s just a smokescreen to confuse people. In fact it’s all random. There may be a dartboard involved.
But here in the colonies things are a little more rigid. In America slang is coined by a select set of tastemakers, whose identities are kept in the strictest confidence. Known only to a select few, these men, women, children, and non-binary humans bestow the gift of slanguage upon us all, hatching totes adorbs little eggs of verbosity and sending them out into the world to find their destiny. Some end up falling from the nest and being eaten by predators. But some end up in the Oxford English Dictionary, having had the mantle of legitimacy bestowed upon them. But not every slang term can be “twerk,” “derp,” or “selfie.” Sometimes a slang word catches on for a time, only to die in the prime of its life, having been burned out either through overuse or by having been co-opted by the wrong people. Does anyone remember rad? Please, a moment of silence for rad.
When a slang word dies, it is not a comic book death. It’s a real world, never coming back, kiss it goodbye or use at your own risk kind of death. But what criterion should you use to determine if a word has outlived its usefulness?
First of all, if a word is used as a euphemism for another word that no longer requires a euphemism, scrap it. A good example is AF. AF is short for “as f**k,” a phrase that just a few short years ago wouldn’t have been used in the body of an article on a major ad supported website. Now it’s showing up in the headlines. Profanity is great as an attention getter. Why hide it with initials?
Amirite? No, you’re wrong. This has always been dumb. The inference is that using this stylized spelling will impart a more intensive meaning to the phrase. That point has been made and beaten into the ground. Just spell it right, amirite?
Bae. Some will try to explain this one away by claiming it is an acronym. But what difference does it make? It’s been used up and was kind of worthless to begin with.
Basic. This one died of natural causes as the type of person it was intended to describe gradually became just about everyone you know and absolutely everyone you’re likely to interact with on social media. I vote we revert basic to its original meaning. If it ain’t broke, don’t break it.
Can’t even. Can’t even what? Finish a thought? What else does that imply about your character? What if everybody went around leaving sentences incomplete? How would you know what they were trying to
Feels. Are we so emotionally crippled that we can’t even identify our emotions by name? Come on, people, at least try to look like you’re putting some effort in.
Fleek. No. Just no. I’m not even going to justify this one.
Literally. This one drives me insane, I’m not going to lie. Here’s a perfectly useful word, just minding its own business. Then suddenly it’s commandeered and used in a manner precisely opposite of its actual meaning. Using the word literally to describe something metaphorical just makes you sound like you don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re Vizzini in the Princess Bride shouting, “Inconceivable!”
So let’s get on the same team here, you guys. If a certain Gretchen Wieners you know insists on trying to make fetch happen, be her Regina and provide that desperately needed reality check. Your friends will thank you, I promise!
